How to be Intentional in Your Relationship: 7 Best Tips
In honor of our one year engagement anniversary, three years together anniversary, and being less than 100 days until our wedding, I wanted to share some ideas for how to be intentional in your relationship.
Our relationship isn’t perfect, no relationship is. We have our strengths and weaknesses. We disagree and we argue from time to time. But something we always agree on is that we want to stay intentional in our relationship and continue to strengthen and grow our bond.
Brian and I genuinely get along really well. We have since day one. Our conversations and interactions flow easily. We have fun and laugh together. Brian and I have been living together for two years and can count on one hand the number of actual fights we have ever had. We have similar but also very different interests and hobbies. Once we were settled and moved in together (first in Illinois), everything just felt right and natural.
I don’t remember exactly what triggered my thinking, but one day, I realized we were starting to slip into a pattern of coexisting and going through the motions of our everyday life. We had faced really big life changes together and been each other’s support system. We had seen each other through our highs and lows.
I realized that we fit so well together that we could easily coexist and coast through life together. The realization startled and slightly concerned me. I don’t want our life together to just be routine, going through the motions, and easy. I want the good and the bad that comes with being intentional and continuing to grow and push ourselves as individuals and as a couple.
So we talked about it. We discussed what we wanted our relationship and life together to be. And we decided to make some little changes to keep our relationship healthy and intentional.
I’m not a relationship expert but I know all relationships are different. Therefore, what works for one relationship may not work for the next relationship. I’m going to share some ideas that have worked for us, that may help you figure out how to be intentional in your relationship. Everyone wants to feel loved, understood, connected, safe, seen, and important. Keep that in mind when considering your relationship and what could strengthen it.
Identify Shared Interests
One of the things Brian and I immediately connected about was our interest in traveling more. We had both been held back from to much traveling because of our rigorous school schedules, financial constraints, and lack of travel partner. We were both at a place in our lives where we finally had the time and means to travel more, but didn’t have a “travel buddy”. Our first big trip together was to Hawaii after we had been dating for 6 months. And it was amazing! Since then we have been on many small, and a couple of big trips together. Experiencing new places together is something we absolutely love! Unfortunately, we have had to cancel the handful of travel adventure we had planned for 2020 but we’re looking forward to more travel adventures soon!
Another shared interest we have been able to explore together is ballroom dancing! I know that may sound strange, but I have always secretly wanted to take ballroom dancing lessons. Brian was involved with theater in high school and loves music and dancing. So we started talking about how it could be fun to take ballroom dancing lessons together! We’ve been talking about it for probably the past two years and we finally just acted on it. Our upcoming wedding gave us the push to finally do it. We’ve been taking dance lessons for a few weeks now and it’s so much fun! It’s great to learn something new together. And practicing our new dance moves gives us another fun home activity.
Have Meals Together
Adults don’t always have the same eating schedules and different exercise, daily routines, and eating habits/needs can mean that you aren’t always ready to eat at the same time. However, I think shared meal times are so important. Research has showed and proven that there are MANY health and emotional benefits to gathering and actually sitting down to dinner together. Obviously, this doesn’t happen every day. But, if Brian and I are both home, we try to sit at the dining table and share mealtime together. Yes, sometimes we eat dinner in front of the TV or separately if he is working late. But we sit down together for dinner at least 5 nights a week. And we usually sit down and have breakfast together on Brian’s days off. And we love this time together.
In addition to actually sitting down to share meals together, we like to cook together as well. I do the majority of the cooking but we do cook together at least once a week. Sometimes it’s splitting up and tag teaming making breakfast. Sometimes it’s dinner. We get two HomeChef meals each week and we usually will make one if not both together. Brian’s schedule is kind of erratic and can be unpredictable, so on the nights he gets home later, around dinnertime, I try to have dinner ready when he walks in the door. On his shorter workdays, we try to prepare dinner together. It’s another great way to spend time together, sharing an experience.
Game Time
Most people don’t realize the board and card game options that are available today! My family was never really big into board games when I was growing up. Sure we had the classics like Life, Monopoly, and Clue and my sisters and I would play together sometimes. But we didn’t have a designated “Family Board Game Night”. I’ve always enjoyed board games, but really know anything about board games until Brian and I started dating. He is BIG into board games. And I’m so glad he is!
Playing board games and card games is such a great way to spend quality time together. There are so many great new games out there, both competitive and cooperative games. Cooperative games are especially fun because you have to work together and win or lose as a team. Competitive games are fun too, but Brian is a much better strategizer than I am, and I can be a sore loser sometimes. But there is always so much fun and laughter involved and the games even spark deeper conversations sometimes. If you are new to the board game world or need some new ideas for great two person games, check out my post with a few of our favorite games here.
Put Your Phones Down and Turn the TV Off
If you haven’t noticed, technology hasn’t been part of the list of ways to be intentional in your relationship thus far. And there’s a reason for that. The time spent together but on your phones or in front of the TV probably isn’t adding quality or value to your relationship. Spending time together without the distraction of your phone, social media, or the TV is, in my opinion, the best thing you can do for your relationship. Make sure there is at least a little bit of time spent every day where you and your partner are giving each other your undivided attention. Set your phones aside. Look at each other while you talk. Communicate. Tell each other about your days and actually listen while the other person talks. Engage with one another.
We live in a very technology driven world so TV shows, movies, computers, video games, and phones will obviously have a place and part in every relationship. Most, if not all, evenings for Brian and I also contain an element of what we call “parallel play”. This is time we spend together but there is usually something on the TV in the background while we are both playing on our phones or computers. And there is nothing is wrong with that as long as that time together is balanced out by spending QUALITY, purposeful time together.
Have a Show That You Watch TOGETHER
Technology is obviously a big part of our daily lives. And we aren’t getting out and about as much these days. I think it’s natural that watching TV together is going to be a frequent/common activity. So pick a show that interests you both, and watch it TOGETHER. That is, actually watch the show. Make some popcorn, set your phone aside, snuggle up on the couch and enjoy. And only watch it together. You will find conversations sparked and started by discussing the show. The first show Brian and I watched together was Game of Thrones…that was a heavy one. But we watched and experienced all the emotions together. During Brian’s last staycation week (we have had to spend all his vacation weeks this year at home due to canceled travel plans) we plowed through 5 seasons of Schitt’s Creek.
Spend Some Time Apart
Too much time together can be just as detrimental as not enough time together. Share interests, hobbies, and friends but make sure you each have your own thing as well. Have your own girls/guys night. Read a book or watch a show by yourself that your partner wouldn’t necessarily be in to. Not every moment spent at home together has to be TOGETHER. You can each be doing something different, in different rooms at the same time.
Continue to Date
It doesn’t matter how long you have been together, you should definitely continue to date. Go out to dinner and a movie (when going out is safe again). Order take out and watch a movie neither of you have seen before. Read a book together and have your own book club discussions. Talk about your likes and dislikes (we are human, these change, so keep up with your partner’s changing preferences). Daydream together about future vacations, or what your life will look like in 5, 10, or 15 years. Make life and personal goals together. Learn something new to both of you, together. Introduce your partner to one of your hobbies (Brian introduced me to indoor climbing before COVID-19 and my back injury).
Like I said, I’m no relationship expert. And Brian and I are still continuing to figure out life together and navigate all the craziness going on right now. But there are some things we do to keep our relationship healthy, growing, and intentional. I’d love to get more ideas though! What are some things you do to stay intentional in your relationship? Can you see yourself implementing any of our suggestions?
Engagement Photographs by Faith Allen.
XOXO, stay well friends,
Jaye